etre-ou-ne-paraitre-journal-d-une-outermangeuse-compulsive

Things I did not tell you (but probably should have):

-         I have never stopped sucking my thumb. I do it from time to time, mainly in the evening. I don’t really think about it as it comes naturally as an automatism. It was an issue when I was 10 years old as my parents tried hard to have me stopped especially as it was ruining the job the dentist was trying to do on my teeth. I think everybody believe I have stopped a while ago but I never did. I feel ashamed about it. F. might know but does not say anything about it.

-         My kleptomania is actually worse than I have told you. Each time I go to a food superstore alone, I have this urge to eat stuff without paying for it. I do it regularly, open a box of chocolates or dried fruits and put it back on shelf empty or half empty when I am ready to go to the cashier and pay for the rest of my shopping. I know it is really bad and I am sometimes scared somebody will catch me but I still do it. But strangely, I would never hide something in my pocket or bag and leave without paying for it. In the same vein, I have this rummaging behaviour at work where I actively look for free food, whereas it is indeed free food available in meetings or food that I would steal from employee’s fridges or colleague’s drawers. When I steal from my colleagues, I have this feeling I take revenge and do something I should not but they deserve.

-         Initially I was looking forward to my maternity leave to be finally away from work and the food freak I am when I am over there but now, it’s like I am looking forward to being able to shop along everyday and get free unlimited food. This thought frightens me as I could pile on weight dramatically and this might be very unhealthy and dangerous so close to the birth.

-         You’ve never really seen me the way I really am: depressed, obsessed and so cruel with the persons I love the most. I always wear a mask because I cannot really show how unbalanced and anxious I really am. I don’t want people to think I need help or am a failure so I pretend, all the time. And that’s why for 6 months, you’ve been thinking my ‘case’ is not that bad while it really is. I have really weakened my husband since I behave like the ‘real Delphine’ with him. He used to be an optimistic and relaxed guy. I made him very depressed, not self-confident at all anymore and he often cries because of me.

-         I am a control freak. I am so frighten of not being in control that I plan everything. My whole life is a list where everything is planned hour per hour and if things don’t go per my plan, I feel very upset and become vehement and insulting especially with F.

The last 3 weeks were a nightmare. So much eating and so many kilos accumulated. Only 26 weeks pregnant and I am already +8 kilos which is an awful lot especially as my starting weight was already + 3/4 above my 'healthy weight'. Lots of 'free food' at work during meetings or people bringing chocolates and other treats. I've made the most of it, eating dozens of each, stuffing myself until I felt so uncomfortable. I cannot concentrate anymore at work, the only thing I am thinking of is food, food, how to get more and more. Which is paradoxal because I also see my body enlarging everyday and I hate it but there is just nothing I can do or maybe I want to do... In Switzerland, kingdom of cheese and chocolate, I ate like crazy. Food was free of course and in quantity since we always ate at restaurants where I could order as much as I wanted. And eat all the bread from the bread basket. People do see I eat more than them during meals but since I am pregnant, they say it is normal, that I need to eat for 2 (which is not true) and also they cannot see what I eat in between meals and that's when I eat the most.
I saw my psychiatrist last week, maybe for the last time because the contract ends. For the first time, I cried. But very moderately, I don't like crying in front of people although it is the 'true me'. I think he was surprised yet my crying was nothing compared to the state I am in when I cry at home, after arguing with Fabien. Only him knows how I really am, how awful I can be with him, the kind of things I can tell and do. And recently, these 'crisis' at home have become daily and so acute. I blame him for anything, telling him we have to split up, our life is unbearable and we won't manage to solve my and our problems. I don't understand why he stands by me after all he's been through with me, all the bad things I've said and done. But he sticks to me and the baby, hoping everything will be brighter when the baby is here. Of course it won't, I will still be the same and the stress of being parent might add to my unbalance and aggravates my disorder.
This week, I also briefly told my sister I was bulimic during a phone call. She seemed to be surprised but did not really try to know more or understand or help. Everybody is helpless around me and I am angry at them for not seeing my distress and do something for me. So we spend 1h30 on the phone talking about my sister's life, how hard the divorce is and taking care of my nephew alone and being alone and so on. I know it's hard and I try to help her - not easy remotely though - but how can't she see that I am even more depressed and lost than she is with nobody around me to help. I realize she is very egocentric, speaks a lot about herself, seeking everybody's advice and help but she never listened to me or tried in any way to understand my despair. Whatever, I know I need to count on myself only to get cured but I am so unreliable and lost, what can I do?  I know this won't be the solution to my problems but I wish I was slim like I used to be before my wedding. I wish I could have this healthy baby I was dreaming of...Wishing instead of acting, that's also very much like me....

I am in the toilet, one of the only places and time I can write about my thoughts about food. Usually when I think of food i.e. most of the time, I am busy doing something else or am lying in my bed s I don’t really have the opportunity or courage to grab a pen and note down my thoughts since I am too concentrated and focused on food. It’s 8.30am and when I woke up 1 hour ago, I felt hungry which is quite rare because I usually wake up early and/or have had a too heavy dinner the previous evening. Yesterday, I did not eat well but not too much either. Oranges for breakfast; big plates of eggs, buttered white toasts, beans, oily mushrooms and tomatoes and fries with ketchup. Then for dinner, as we were on the plane from Sofia to Varna during dinner time, I had 1 apple juice, fruits (1 apple, 3 clementines, ½ banana) and 1 chocolate bar. I gave the chocolate croissant they gave us as a snack to Fabien and just had a bit of it (I could not help…). We arrived at the hotel around 9.30pman went out for dinner a 10pm. I wasn’t hungry anymore though I was still feeling like eating. I said to Fabien that we should not eat as we already had eaten in the plane and proposed just to have a drink…and maybe a dessert. Desserts were not very appealing on the menu, all very fatty so I just ordered a fresh grapefruit juice. Fab ordered pancakes with chocolate and a fresh apple juice while our colleagues had a complete meal with fish and fries. While we were chatting, I could not think about something else than the bread basket that was on the table and was thinking that the food they had ordered seemed really good. But I was not hungry and knew I would regret to eat. I however took a small portion of Fabien’s pancakes and ate 2 slices of wholemeal bread. It is really terrible: when there is food on offer (and especially when it is free), I have to have it.

This morning, in between conversations with Fabien, I have been thinking a lot about my breakfast to come, wondering what there would be and how much I could eat.  I am all excited and can’t wait to go in the breakfast room. I also hope we’ll stop somewhere nice for lunch and dinner.  I have already thought a lot about the 2 coming days where I will be in France for a business trip. Business trips mean I can eat at nice restaurants, usually more than at home and I can expense everything. I really disgust myself and the way I feel about food. I am 3-month pregnant and therefore should not have put on weight yet (most women actually lose weight during the first months because of the sickness) but I have already gain lots of weight because despite the sickness I keep on binging. I am full of cellulite and cannot wear any of my clothes anymore. I try as much as possible to hide my body behind loose clothes so that nobody sees my fat and especially my husband. But it is useless and I know people are not stupid and the more I hide my body, the more it is obvious I have put on weight a lot. I especially fear going back to the French Johnson offices where my former colleagues haven’t seen me since I left 1 year and a half ago when I was 10 kilos under. They’ll be shocked when they see me and I’ll be ashamed.

We are now in the plane flying back to London. This morning, we had fruits for breakfast with an orange juice and some cookies. Before leaving Varna, we bought some bread with nuts and salads that we ate around 1.30am while waiting for boarding at the airport. It was a lot and far enough to stuff us until dinner. In the plane, they served us a sandwich, not very appealing: white buttered bread with cheese and ham. I am glad Fabien was with me; otherwise I would have eaten it (without the ham though) even if not hungry at all. I also strive not to think about the nuts and cookies I had in my handbag and managed not to eat them as I knew I would feel very sick and bad after having eaten them.

Yesterday, we had a nice dinner wit fish and vegetables. We ate a bit more than normal but not too much though. However, I felt bad as I could help myself eating the cheese (goat cheese so most probably not pasteurized which is risky to eat during pregnancy) and tarama which I should not have. It is stronger than me: when there is food available, I have to eat it. We did not eat too badly this week-end but still much more than at home and therefore I think I’ve put on weight. I also drank a lot of diet coke which is a very bad habit I wanted to quit as I know it is bad for me and the baby: we both get used to sweet things and it gives us the false impression that sugar-tasting food is free from calories.

We’ve been in the plane for 2 hours now and there is still 1 hour to go. I feel bored with nothing to read and no one to talk to so I am thinking a lot. I’d like to be home now but I will have to wait quite a lot especially as I am afraid we’ll be stuck in the traffic on the way back home. Tonight I’ve planned to go to the pool: we’ve walked a bit during the week-end but I miss real exercises. We have also planned to have only fruits for dinner after the pool but as we’ll come back late (around 9.15pm which will be 11.15pm Bulgarian time), I’m not sure it would be wise to eat so late especially as I’m flying again tomorrow, have to prepare my stuff and get up early in the morning. I’ll spend 2 days in France and I know Ill have plenty of opportunities to eat as much as I can. We’re going to stay in a nice hotel where they serve very good food and I already know I’ll binge. All is planned in my head already, far in advance and I’ve been thinking about it a lot for a long time. I need to know what I’ll eat and what occasions there will be for me to overeat, especially for free. On the other hand, I also like to think about when I can get a chance to diet and become slimmer and in this respect I long for my maternity leave where I will not go to the office anymore and therefore should have fewer opportunities to overeat. It won’t stop my obsession and compulsion but at least I will be able to break the vicious circle I have entered. But it’s in 5-months time so I need to put a break on my compulsive overeating behaviour before otherwise I’ll be obese by then. I’m in the plane that just landed in Paris. It’s 10am, 11pm local time. As planned, I bought myself a breakfast at the airport: an organic fruit juice, a chocolate bar, a nut bar and a fruit salad. But as they also proposed a breakfast in the plane, I had 2 additional croissants. Which means I gulped down 1500 calories in 2 hours and still have a lunch and a dinner to go. Besides, with the time delay, it means I’ll have lunch around 11pm i.e. only 1 hour after the end of my breakfast. It is real suicide and I still wonder how my body can bear all this. I am really angry at myself. I should have resisted to the croissant sine I was not hungry and actually do not fancy croissants that much. Today I weighed myself: already + 3 kilos since the beginning of my pregnancy (only 3 months). It will be very hard to keep the weight off… With all the calories in my body, I feel very warm and regret these 2 croissants. I also feel stupid. I will try not to have any cheese and dessert for lunch in order to keep some ‘space’ for tonight’s dinner.

In the end our flight had a lot of delay and we arrived at the fair quite late and thus had lunch around 1.30pm local time. I surprisingly felt a bit hungry but that was surely the perspective of eating what and as much as I could that triggered it. We had to queue quite a bit which annoyed me as I had this urge for eating. Food was lovely: I had some fish with green beans, creamy vegetables and a bit of couscous. I finished the sauce in my plate with some bread. And I could not resist having a portion of the delicious chocolate cake with white eggs and custards + some grapes as a dessert. I felt really stuffed after that and as usual it did gave me terrible back pain in the right side which I have had every time I am eating too much since the beginning of my pregnancy. The afternoon interviews went alright but when we came back to the Johnson stand around 5pm, they offered us some chocolate bars and ice cream which I accepted. I spared the chocolate bars but ate all of the ice cream. We then had a delicious 4-meal dinner qt the restaurant: while my colleague never finished any of her dishes, I finished them all, like usual and also ate lots of bread and the cakes they served us with the tea. I think she thought I was a food monster.  I ate so much that I had this terrible back ache and despite my real tiredness could not get asleep before 2am. I got up very tired at 6.30am in the morning and went to the breakfast room. I had planned to arrive before my colleague in order to eat freely while she was not there. Which is exactly what happened. And I immediately felt bad since the breakfast was not healthy at all: I had 1 croissant, 1 pain au chocolat, some white bread with lots of jam on it, a yogurt and an orange juice. My colleague only had less than half of that. Back to the office at 8.30am, we interviewed some more candidates and while my colleagues was interviewing, I found  myself searching in her bag in case she would maybe have food or sweet in it. And she did have some. And I did take it: 2 chocolate bars and some sweets. I ate all of them in the afternoon together with the 2 chocolate bars I had spared the previous day. For lunch at the canteen, I had a salad, fish with broccoli and a fruit purée with a diet coke; I had a dessert which is something I rarely do but as it was free, I just took it. Then as we arrived quite early at the airport, we had time for to sit down at a café. I proposed a drink to y colleague and maybe some snacks but she only wanted a drink. Although I was not hungry at all, I bought myself a caramel tart and a muffin. I discretely put the tart in my bag so that Alice could not see I was buying 2 things just for myself. I proposed to share the muffin but she only took a bit. I ate almost all of it although it was not really tasty (very dry). Then I went to the toiler where I secretly and compulsively ate the tart. Then the only thing I was thinking of and longing for was the dinner they would serve us on the plane. To my disappointment, we only had a sandwich (economy class!) and though I did not know whether the cheese was pasteurized, I ate it all and also had another coke. I could have had another sandwich (they proposed me some left ones) but surprisingly I said no. For a couple of minutes, I regretted it and wanted to ask the waitress to give me one but I did not. From my seat, I could see what the business class had for dinner and it looked really nice. Now I feel awful and know I will have difficulties to sleep because of the binge. I am already looking forward to going to the pool tomorrow morning (I did not exercise at all during the last 2 days!) and to fasting on Thursday. On Friday are invited for dinner at a colleague’s and I know we’ll eat a lot. Fabien and I have also planned to eat pancakes on Saturday as we were in Bulgaria for pancakes’ day. It4s 6.45pm and the plane pilot has just announced that we’ll have to wait before landing because of heavy traffic at the airport. It really upsets me as I really want to be home now. Fabien went shopping on his own tonight so at least that’s one less opportunity for me to steal food and binge secretly. I haven’t eaten any fruits today so I’m looking forward to having some tomorrow morning. As well as vegetables with no sauce and no fat. I feel bad. I am pregnant and I am not acting and eating differently; it’s so bad for the baby and I wished he would not get used to this junk food. There was no real reason for me to have ‘crisis’ this week since I enjoyed this experience of recruitment and it was nice to see again my former French colleagues after more than a year. I however learnt indirectly (via someone else than my boss) today that I will again have a new manager and I am very anxious and angry about that: I’ve never had any boss managing me for a whole year which means all my performance reviews have always been average (never great, never bad) because my manager had never had a ‘full picture’ of my work. I think it did not hemp my career and this seems to go on the same way. I also found just after I announced my pregnancy that they’d not promote me to a senior position in June as planned as they say it does not make sense to promote someone just before they leave. I again feel very frustrated about it as I has always made it clear to my manager it was my objective to become senior in June and she had told me it would be fine. Now I feel discriminated and it means I will have to wait another 6 months (after the maternity leave) and maybe more since they will probably tell me you cannot promote someone who just came back! It also means I won’t get the salary raise I was expecting. I have already shared my frustration with my boss but as she will not manage me anymore, I feel there is little hope.

I am now seeing a psychiatric. I have met him twice. Not sure what it will do to me as I feel more useless then ever. I have told him quite a lot but I feel I was not really good at explaining what I really feel like and how acute my binges are. I however have lots of hope regarding this treatment; I long hesitated before asking for some help but I now think it is the right time; I can’t live like that anymore, I can’t destroy my life and my husband’s life further, I need to do something and finally become the woman I have always wanted to be: self-assured, dynamic, successful and happy. Besides, I now want to become a mother and I just cannot think of myself being a bulimic mum. My career as well has been affected by this ‘disease’ as I constantly think about food, steal food at my workplace and therefore am not dedicated to my job as I’d like to be. Since we are in the UK, my problem has been aggravated a lot and I have now given up keeping normal social relationships which is easy as I don’t see my friends anymore. Brian asked me to note down what I have been eating this week, when and how. This is a very time-consuming and quite upsetting thing to do as it reminds me of my abnormal behaviour; I think I will do it once so that he can see and understand better my behaviour but I am fed up with registering everything I eat; I have done it when I was anorexic as it was the only way to count calories. I’d just like to forget about control over food, change my brain and find again how to feed myself only when I need it. Brian also gave me the name of a book about bulimia and binge-eating: I read chapter 4. Interesting but again, this is all about control over food, control about your behaviour. It features bulimia as something you can treat and to me gives a too simple picture of what this disease is: people who kind of compensate something with food and I don’t feel I fall into this category: I never had any trauma in my life and I don’t know what I have tried to compensate for all these years. The book also gives ‘tips’ and things to do or not to do to control your binges. This again appears to me like some tricks to better live your bulimia but it does not give me any key to stop it. Getting better seems so complex to me that I feel I would need to be another person as I cannot get all these schemes about food out of my head. And though I have decided to see someone, I think I have never been so hopeless. I feel very much depressed, have lost any excitement or curiosity about everything, and don’t feel like meeting people or making friends although it would help me feeling less lonely. I am so desperate and negative that I try less and less to hide my unhappiness to the people I know: I have even lost my dignity!

So here is the summary of another week of binging:

Monday: For the second consecutive week, I woke up with a feeling of nausea. I have been sick for the last 2 weeks (cold) and thought the nausea came from the cold but now that the cold is over, it is strange that I still feel sick in the morning. I never eat at home in the morning as it is too early and I am not hungry.

8.30am: breakfast at the office as usual, even if I still feel sick: I had fruits (1 pear, 1 orange) in the morning as usual but I also ate the cakes (3) I had stolen last week in the office and hidden in the cupboard underneath my desk. As I started to feel stuffed, I could not resist also eating the apple I had brought for my afternoon snack.

For lunch, I had the vegetarian meal at the canteen as often; it was pasta with vegetables. I also added some carrots. I never eat desserts and have a single meal with lots of veggies as I know this is healthy.

In the afternoon, I had a meeting from 1 to 5pm. I usually look forward to these meetings as there are often cookies or muffins to eat. Big disappointment, there was nothing but coffee, which I don’t drink. At the break, they brought yoghurts and fruits so I immediately run to the snack table to have one yoghurt and some grapes.

I came back home with F. around 8pm. He was playing football this night from 8.30pm to 10pm so we would not have dinner together. I was still feeling sick and not very motivated to cook anything so I decided to eat muesli, which I had bought the previous week and kept out of the ‘green box’. The cereal box was almost full and as I knew, I almost finished it: I ate until I couldn’t eat more and I left a bit for Thursday as I knew this was the only thing I could have in the morning. I felt so sick that I had to go and vomit; I think it was the first time since many many months. When F. came back, I did not say anything but told him once in bed and he felt guilty to have left me alone. I told him this was meant to happen anyway and that there was nothing he could blame himself for.

Tuesday: I think I had fruits again for breakfast but cannot remember. Cannot remember lunch either, probably another vegetarian meal with beans and salad. In the morning, I ate some chocolates that someone had brought to the office as it is often the case unfortunately, especially at Christmas time. At 2pm, we had a management meeting where the whole company was invited to hear about the fiscal year results. Like each year, they also serve muffins and fruit juices so I had a chocolate muffin and an orange juice. After that, I went into another meeting which lasted the whole afternoon and I had another muffin as well as a cookie.

We came back from work at 7pm and as every Tuesday, F. went to his English course while I went to my jewellery making lesson in Windsor. While F. starts his lesson at 7pm and therefore has dinner at work before leaving, I have 30 minutes to eat before my course begins. And since a few weeks, rather than eating fruits, I go to a small shop next to the Art Center (where my lessons take place) and I buy junk food: it used to be chocolates or nuts or sweets always accompanied with a diet coke to flush everything down and also a box of gums to forget the taste but since 2 weeks, as I have these nauseas, I also have some kind of cravings for salty things and bread and thus I bought a sandwich with crisps and of course a bottle of diet coke.

Wednesday: Same feeling of nausea in the morning. Before my meeting started, I ate a pear and an orange. During the meeting, 2 cookies.

At 1pm, we went to the canteen where we had a free Christmas lunch. I had salmon and prawns as starter with a big bread roll. Then I had the vegetarian option, a tart with potatoes and sprouts and then for dessert had a delicious chocolate cake. With the coffee, there were also mince pies and mint chocolate but I felt so sick that I came back to my desk. I did not have any mince pies but ate 2 mint chocolates although I do not really like them. As everybody was still at the canteen, I was alone and took the opportunity to eat the last chocolates left in the box in the office.

In the afternoon, I left early to go and see Brian. I told him I was going to shop in Tesco tonight and I knew I would eat in the aisles, which I did. I took a box of dried organic dates and ate them while shopping making sure F. could not see me. Usually I also steal chocolates but this time I felt too stuffed. I did not say anything to F. and in the car on the way home ate some grapes pretending I was hungry.

Thursday: In the morning, I had some muesli (the rest of the box I did not finish during my binge on Monday) with rice milk. I also stole a yogurt in the fridge we share at the office. As I was supposed to go to some consumers’ houses over lunch for a research study and would probably not have time to have lunch at the canteen, I had brought some fruits. Instead of keeping them for lunch as planned, I started to nibble a pear before I left. Since one consumer cancelled his interview, I came back earlier and thus had time to go to the canteen with my colleagues. I had some mashed potatoes with beans, leaks and carrots. As the leaks were quite oily, I did not digest them very well during the afternoon. Then the whole team left the office around 2pm as we were supposed to meet our advertising agency in London to have some drinks in a bar and then go to a Greek restaurant to celebrate Christmas. At the bar, I only drank one flute of cocktail and then went on with some juice and diet cokes while I think the rest of the team had at least 4 to 5 alcoholic drinks. I just did not feel like drinking and still felt a bit sick. At the restaurant, although I did not really binge and ate less than my colleagues, I had far too much: lots of mezzes to start with (black and green olives, feta, tarama, tatziki, prawns, houmous and lots of pita bread). Then came some meat (sausages etc) which I did not eat as I do not eat red meat. They also brought some calmars and fishes but I did not touch them as everything was fried and kind of disgusted me. The only thing I had was the halloumi, which is a cheese I like very much. Everybody drank a lot but I only had a glass of red wine which I did not finish. Then the chef announced a ‘break’ (I thought it was actually over but no, they had not even served us the main course!) where he brought some uzo, a very strong Greek alcohol. Fortunately, nobody forced me to have any as I anyway could not have drunk that (I hate strong alcohol). Then came the main course: chicken, brochettes, pork and lamb with rice, salad and vegetarian moussaka. I had some chicken, some rice, salad, brochettes and moussaka. By the end of it, I felt so stuffed and sick. Then we all went downstairs where the entertainment was taking place (belly dancing and plates smashing) and where they served us more drinks and some baklavas (very heavy oily Greek desserts). I had 1 or 2 baklavas and a diet coke but could not have more. On the way back home with Debbie, our assistant, who was a bit drunk, while waiting for our train at the station, we had a drink and thus I had another diet coke. I think I have become intoxicated again with coke, like during the period I was anorexic and the only thing I would have was diet coke.

I went to bed around midnight, feeling sick and with a big stomach ache.

Friday: Despite my coming back late the previous night, I had to wake up quite early on the Friday as I had to work – from home though so not too bad – and also I had an appointment made with an engineer from Orange to fix our broadband connection. Friday, as most Fridays, is the day we are fasting and it was well welcome after a day of binge eating. I felt tired and sick the whole day but managed to do my work and go swimming in the afternoon. In the evening though, I was shattered and instead of watching a DVD as we usually like to do on Friday evenings, I went to bed at 9pm.

Saturday: As a consequence of going to bed early the previous day, I woke up at 4.30pm on the Saturday and did not really manage to sleep more. I got up around 8.30am and despite having nausea, I had a breakfast as I felt a bit hungry (or at least I wanted to eat) after a day of fasting. I had 2 apples, ½ a mango, 2 squares of chocolates, a diluted apple and orange juice and a kiwi. In the morning I then forced myself to go for a run in the Great Park and despite finding it very hard, I felt very good afterwards. Around 1.45pm, when F. got back from Oxfam, we had lunch: green lentils with carrots, salads, tomatoes and mushrooms. As usual I put olive oil in F.’s plate but not in mine (still this wrong belief that oil is bad….).

In the afternoon, we went shopping in Windsor and as usual, we went to this chocolate shop where they often offer you to taste some bits. And they did so we had a couple of dark chocolate squares. The back home, I was not hungry but feeling nauseous so I decided to have a mandarin to get rid of this taste in my mouth. It kind of worked. Around 7pm, we got ready and left for one of my colleague’s place, an Italian manager, who had organized an ‘expat’ dinner: we were 4 couples, 1 German, 1 Italian, 1 American, 1 French (us) + her. She has a splendid house and is a brilliant cook so as I feared, we had a gorgeous and abundant dinner. When we arrived, she offered us a glass of wine that we drunk with some appetisers: fortunately for me, most of it was meat so I just had a couple of crisps. Then as a starter, we had polenta (I had plenty), duck, some pastry with cheese and some ham (which I did not take). Then we had some salad with asparagus, risotto and some pork (not for me). Everything with bread. I only had one glass of wine as I did not feel like drinking. For dessert, we had a huge plate of tiramisu and I helped myself with it twice. I also had a very small glass of sweet wine. By the end of that, I felt really really stuffed and regretted the second serving of tiramisu. We went to bed at 1am.

Sunday: Though we went to bed late, I woke up at 5am in the morning to go to the toilet. I think I then managed to sleep a little bit and we got up at 9am.

As I was still feeling sick and nauseous, I decided to take the pregnancy test I had saved and though I knew the chances were few, I was really hoping it to turn positive…and it did!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I immediately shared with F. and we both reacted very positively as it was something we had longed for for a while. Then, we discussed a lot about it and made the promise that I would stop eating badly, drinking and smoking. I am now a bit concerned as I have had a bit of alcohol and unpasteurized cheese during the beginning of my pregnancy and I know it can have serious effect on the baby.

Anyway, though not hungry, we had fruits for breakfast (for me, 2 apples, 1 kiwi, some mango and 2 squares of chocolate). Then we went to the pool to swim for 45minutes. Back home, we went to our neighbours’ who had invited us for lunch. I declined the wine and had a glass of sparkling grape fruit which I did not like at all and did not finish. Then we had some lasagnes with salad and bread (I took 2 pieces) and a chocolate pudding with ice cream as a dessert. Not healthy at all for a pregnant woman.

Then back home. In the afternoon I baked 2 cakes that I was supposed to bring to the office on Monday. I ate a bit of it while I was baking it but it was so disgusting that I stopped and actually decided not to bring it to the office as it was so disgusting. Now that I know I am pregnant, I realize lots of foods disgust me because F. tasted the cake and found it ok.

For dinner, we had a big salad with parsnip, butternut, carrots, tomatoes, mushrooms and avocado. Delicious and I felt good afterwards as it was quite light. Then we watched a movie which was pretty relaxing.

Monday: I had fruits at work for breakfast but then, as there was a huge box of Cadbury chocolates in the office, I spent the whole morning nibbling them to the extent that I was completely stuffed when lunch time arrived. I had lunch though: chicken with potatoes and vegetables. In the afternoon, I went on and had more chocolate. On the way home, we stopped at Waitrose to buy some ingredients to buy another cake to bring to the office. F. then went to the football as every Monday and I stayed home. Although I was completely stuffed with all the chocolates eaten during the day and although feeling nauseous, I ate a big bowl of cereals with milk and yogurt and I tasted a bit of the cake I baked. I felt bad and sick afterwards.

Tuesday: I woke up feeling nauseous this morning, for a change. I had fruits (1 banana, 1 apple, mango and 1 mandarin) and 2 chocolates I had kept in my drawer from the previous day. Then nothing till lunch and thus I was quite hungry when I came to the canteen. Now that I try to be careful with what I eat for the baby, I feel there is not much choice in the canteen. I chose the vegetarian pasta dish but without the sauce as it might contain some cheese. I added some cabbage and carrots to it. That was kind of ok except that the pasta were not wholemeal and I try to avoid unrefined food. I still felt a bit hungry after that and had a sudden craving for crisps but somehow I resisted. Around 3pm, it was cake time. I had a little piece of it but did not really enjoy it as it made me feel sick. I then had a few chocolates again but not too many. During the afternoon, I also had many bits of chewing-gums. I used to chew a lot a few years ago but as I could not restrict myself to 1 a day (I could have 20 in a day and if I would open a box I would finish it), I decided the best way was to stop buying some. It worked out for years but for any reason, the craving came back recently and I now start again buying and eating lots of chewing-gums.

Tonight for dinner (I feel hungry), we will have salmon, sprouts, asparagus and carrots. It was very good but I did not managed to finish it all.

We had a fight with F. tonight over food. I had prepared myself some cereals for the next morning and he found that it was too much. He was right, I had 150g of muesli which is far too much as I should only have 60g but as I had planned to eat all of it, I was very upset. And he had a sad word: it told me I was sick, bulimic and I needed him to control which is true but when someone else says it, I do not want to hear. I won as usual and kept almost the same amount of cereals.

OA. Overeaters anonymous. Ca fait peur comme acronyme, ça enlève toute ambigüité sur ce que je suis: je suis malade, très malade. Je voudrais tellement que ce 1^er pas soit celui de la guérison mais ce n’est pas si simple. Faut pas se mentir, je suis accro a la bouffe comme un alcoolique l’est a sa bouteille, un junkie a sa dope. Le truc, c’est que, sans que ce soit simple l’alcoolique ou le junkie guérit en se poliçant a ne plus jamais toucher une goutte d’alcool au moins pendant sa convalescence. Avec la bouffe, pas possible…il faut bien manger pour vivre et ce tous les jours, plusieurs fois par jour. J’ai déjà essaye d’ailleurs de jeuner mais de façon sérieuse, avec encadrement et en marchant pour éviter que les muscles ne s’atrophient. Ca a eu son effet et ca m’a dégoûte pendant un temps des mauvaises choses pour mon corps mais même si je suis convaincue de la philosophie du jeune et de tout ce que j’ai pu apprendre ou réapprendre pendant ce stage de jeune et randonnée, ce n’est pour ceux qui ont un problème avec la bouffe, ce n'est qu’un leurre temporel, ca ne fait pas guérir. J’ai conscience de tout ce qui est bon, pas bon mais j’ai cette attirance plus forte que la raison pour la bouffe qui me remplit temporairement jusqu'à ce que cette horrible sensation de malaise arrive et la je me déteste plus que tout, je me sens si mal dans ce corps difforme et maltraite a coup d’orgie alimentaire. Je sais que mon problème numéro 1 n’est pas la bouffe, c’est autre chose, mais quoi ? J’ai bien sur plein de complexes et je manque cruellement de confiance en moi mais les « crises » n’arrivent pas forcement quand on pourrait les attendre. Quand je vais bien, tout peut déraper a la suite d’un écart (un aliment interdit, un petit excès) et la il se passe quelquechose de space dans ma tête : je me dis 'puisque de toute façon j’ai pêché, autant que l’écart soit valable' alors je me venge et j’attrape tout ce qui passe et qui est diabolise en temps normal (des trucs gras, sucres, sales). Ca peut même commencer avec des trucs sains mais je sais bien que c’est surtout la sur-quantité qui déclenche le gavage alors après 5 pommes, je suis forcement déjà en crise. Et puis quand ca va mal, quand je suis en difficulté, je m’enferme sur la bouffe au lieu d’appeler a l’aide. Et la, j’en veux a la terre entière ! Mais alors pourquoi m’auto-flageller plutôt de crier ma rage au monde. Ca me rassure sur le moment, j’exulte, c’est comme une sorte d’orgasme mais avec un réveil beaucoup moins sympa, surement comme après une cuite ou on se dit qu’on ne recommencera jamais. Je suis une addict, une vraie. Mais le fait de le savoir, d’en avoir conscience ne m’aide pas a guérir. Au contraire, je me sens prisonnière de mon esprit. Et puis surtout, j’aime ca, me goinfrer, ca fait du bien sur le moment. Mais c’est un engrenage : l’après gavage est tellement douloureux, moralement plus que physiquement et le seul réconfort qu’on a, c’est de recommencer. Voila comment j’en suis aujourd’hui a « être en quête ». En quête de bouffe et d’occasions de me gaver.